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Tuesday, 28 October 2008
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What is the scientific name for your super ability?
I was talking with my uncle today during work and we came to the realization of our own special abilities. We decided to give them names.
My super ability is called Fallacious Aptitude.
That's a fancy way of saying I'm good at bullshitting. This is a mental ability. "Fallacious" meaning shifty or deceptive, and "Aptitude" meaning inherent skill and proficiency in. I can pull ideas, false facts, and things from my ass, and people will believe it. For instance, in high school, my friend told me that I could turn the simple answer "NO" into a six page paper. I'm also adept at pretending like I know what someone is talking about when I have no idea what is going on, as well as pretending like I am listening when I am actually not. This is what I do.
My uncle's ability is called Enhanced Sedentariness.
This means my uncle has lazyness that is beyond measure. This is a defensive ability that is always active, unlike my own, which I can turn on and off at will. Furthermore, his ability has evolved a bit. He also has Apocalyptic Flatulence. When he passes gas.. things die. This is a byproduct of his Enhanced Sedentariness, in that, his lack of movement and apathy for physical activity causes the food in his digestive system to (in his words) "marinate" to optimal strength. The ultimate defense. How can one attack him, if they cannot breathe?
If you are interested, I can find the name of your unique super ability. Just tell me 2 or 3 things/skills/traits that are characteristic of you.
For example.. if you said "I am really good at making pancakes. That is all."
Then you would have what I call, Adept Pancake Synthesis- an ability which, although delicious, is kind of.. useless.
- J.
Saturday, 31 May 2008
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The most interesting person in the world.
I've decided to write some inspirational pieces for people who need a quick pick-me-up-- or for emo's.
Please read this if you're a girl:
The most interesting woman in the world..
Through the help of Sephora, knows 23 different ways to say the color "red."
The most interesting woman in the world..
Can have full length conversations with other women, using only hand gestures and facial expressions.
The most interesting woman in the world..
Is the first girl on the dance floor, and the last person to leave.
The most interesting woman in the world..
Knows what she wants, and knows how to get it.
The most interesting woman in the world..
Has never farted in public, but in the comfort of her own room, has dropped atomic bombs.
The most interesting woman in the world..
Can identify any pair of jeans, just by looking at the stitching on the back pocket.
The most interesting woman in the world..
Can look any man in the eyes and see his soul, even if he has glaucoma.
The most interesting woman in the world..
Does not belong to the most interesting man in the world, but rather, the luckiest man in the world.
The most interesting woman in the world..
Is none other than, you.
Please read this is you're a guy:
The most interesting man in the world..
Has at least one odd talent, that will help him in the future.
The most interesting man in the world..
Is a lover not a fighter-- but he's also a fighter, so don't get any funny ideas (borrowed from a Dos Equiis commercial).
The most interesting man in the world..
Is so smooth and charismatic, he could charm the pants off an elephant-- despite the fact that elephants don't wear pants.
The most interesting man in the world..
Knows the rules to any sporting game, even obscure ones like Olympic curling.
The most interesting man in the world..
Might not be strong enough to win the fight, and yet, will defend his woman's honor at any cost.
The most interesting man in the world..
Has a six-pack-- which is also known as Budweiser. If he actually works out, then he has two six-packs.
The most interesting man in the world..
Is man enough to admit when he's wrong.
The most interesting man in the world..
Is never wrong. (just kidding)
The most interesting man in the world..
Has helped prevent world hunger, by feeding himself.
The most interesting man in the world..
Is none other than, you.
Please read this if you are the most interesting person in the universe:
The most interesting person in the universe..
Can write about the most interesting man and the most interesting woman in the world, and still have enough material to write about himself.
The most interesting person in the universe..
Is a master of 30 foreign languages, with the help of AltaVista and Babel Fish.
The most interesting person in the universe..
Knew every answer to tonight's episode of Jeopardy, because it was a re-run.
The most interesting person in the universe..
Is not as smart as you think, he's just resourceful.
The most interesting person in the universe..
Has an answer to everything, though sometimes that answer is wrong.
The most interesting person in the universe..
Is always the winner of Monopoly, because when no one is looking.. he cheats.
The most interesting person in the universe..
Has learned how to swordfight by watching The Last Samurai, and has given up the way of the warrior after cutting his own deskchair.
The most interesting person in the universe..
Has had an article on wikipedia about himself, writen by himself-- and it was taken down in 15 minutes.
The most interesting person in the universe..
Is the owner of this xanga.
The most interesting person in the universe..
Oh shit, it's me.
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Keep your confidence high guys & gals and you can do anything! (sometimes you might get arrested though.)
- J.
Wednesday, 27 February 2008
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Where is the mute button?
I hate people who can't stop talking. Talk. Talk. Talk. Talk. People who talk so much, that I have to stop and take a breath for them. These people talk so fast, you'd swear they were a lost member of Bone Thugs-N-Harmony. It's annoying when I meet people like that, and somehow I always find myself snared in their web-of-conversation. There's usually no way out. Not for a while. Sometimes I just want to kick them in the face, throw a smoke bomb, and escape into the shadows. If only it were that easy.
Fat Man and Little Boy have been dropped.
Imagine this. You're just minding your own business, or having a conversation with some friends-- then all of a sudden, a chatterbox attacks. It happens so quick, by the time you realize you're in a chatterbox conversation it's too late. BOOM, you've lost the war. Find your happy place. Game over. There's no immediate escape. You have to wait until there's a break in their stream of words. Eventually they have to breathe right? NO. Chatterboxes don't feed off of air like you or I. They survive off of your life force-- sucking out your soul and mental willpower, and spewing it back out as a stream of never ending words and babble. They will not stop to breathe. How are they supposed to breathe?? Can't live, can't breathe with with no air. There's no air, no air???
Jordin Sparks can't tell you how, and neither can I. Do not fear, for occasionally they will stop to seek approval or a response. When this happens, you have to be quick. Otherwise you'll get cut off and once again be submerged in their sea of talk.
No one ever escapes the labyrinth.
But it's not that easy. Because whatever you say, they can turn it around and make it into a question. Once it becomes a question, they're free elicit a response and relate it to something that they can talk about. And then they have control of the conversation. Again.
Example 1:
[Chatterbox]: Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. Blah blah blah?
[You]: Interesting. Well, it's been great chatting with you. I have to go run some errands now.
[Chatterbox]: Oh? What kind of errands? Maybe I can come with you. I remember this one time, blah blah blah blah blah.
Failure. Never expose a potential invitation for them to do things with you.
Example 2:
[Chatterbox]: Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. Blah blah blah?
[You]: Oh yes. Well excuse me, I need to use the restroom now.
[Chatterbox]: The restroom line is ridiculous! I need to go too. Let's go, I'll keep you company while you wait. Blah blah blah blah blah.
Failure. Chatterboxes have a poor sense of personal space and will bombard you till you make a pee-pee in your pants.
Example 3:
[Chatterbox]: Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. Blah blah blah?
[You]: Interesting. I hate you. Stop talking to me.
[Chatterbox]: What? Why are you saying that? Silly goose, quit playing around. So did you hear, blah blah blah blah blah. Blah blah blah blah blah.
Failure. Chatterboxes can't take hints, no matter how obvious you make them. Annoying people seldom realize they are annoying, otherwise they would correct the error and wouldn't be annoying in the first place.
Disappearing act.
You see how hard it is to find a way out of a chatterbox conversation? Actually, it's not even a conversation because it's one sided. It's a monologue.
Well everyone, you're all in luck. I know two ways for you to escape the inescapable.
Females, you have the easiest escape. All you have to say is, "Excuse me. I'm having feminine problems." That's it. No one ever says anything after that. That's the last line. No one dares ask what a "feminine problem" is. I don't even dare ask what that is, for fear of the universe exploding if I find out.
Males, you can't as easily escape with a one-liner. The only sure, 100% guaranteed way of leaving a conversation is by doing the following. When you eventually get a turn to speak, you must say these four words very slowly: "Did you know that..." Make sure to leave them hanging at the end. They will be stunned for a split second, expecting a factoid to follow. They might even lean in closer to you. When this happens, PUNCH them!! Punch them as hard as your man-fists can. Punch them in the head. It has to be quick, and it has to be hard-- enough for them to get knocked down. And then you run. You run away as fast as you can, and keep running. Imagine Ludacris telling you to "run away and never come back!" That is the only way.
So there you have it ladies and gentlemen. Two escapes that even Harry Houdini would be jealous of.
- J.
Wednesday, 26 December 2007
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Your Life Book.
Have you ever wondered what sort of book you'd be in if your life was written down on paper? Well, now you can find out! I've made a list of some common book genres to help you pinpoint what section of the library your book would go into.
Horror.
Have you ever been a witness to a serious murder? Do you live in a giant, lugubrious house that is most likely haunted? Do you live in a small town where there have been a series of unsolved murders and crimes? Is there a killer on the loose in your neighborhood? If so, you are living in a horror novel. I would advise you to pack up your bags and get the hell out of town now!
Tragedy.
Do bad things find their way towards you? Is there a giant rain cloud over your head, and your head alone? Has your life been one of misfortune, angst, and disappointment? Are you emo? If so, you are living in a tragedy. My advice to you is to change your outlook on life. If you're reading this then at least you have two good things going for you. First, you are literate. Second, you have computer access. There are kids in other parts of the world who've never even seen a computer. Suck it up, and make something of yourself. The good thing about living in a tragedy novel is that you can branch off and turn your life into a comedy, romance novel, or any other literary work. You have the most options, you just have to try.
Comedy.
Do amusing events seem to happen in your presence? Do things sometimes go horribly wrong for you? So horribly wrong that it's almost beautiful and severely humorous? Do people laugh in your presence-- either at you or with you? If so, you are living in a comedy. Those who live in a comedy have interesting lives. Things don't always go in their favor, but things are always interesting. For the most part, you will always be happy.
Science Fiction.
Do you believe you're from another planet? Do you dream of other galaxies and wish to one day venture through the vast and unexplored regions of space? Do you secretly hope you have a special power? Do you personally believe you've been abducted by aliens? Are you an alien? If so, you are living in a science fiction novel. That, or you're crazy.
Romance.
Do you ever feel like you're in an episode of Dawson's Creek? Is your dating history so complex that even a cryptographer would have a hard time figuring it out? Do you secretly wish for some dashing stranger to come along and sweep you off of your feet? If so, you are living in a romance novel. Those who live in romance novels will have the most interesting tales and experiences. There is a trade off however. You're more prone to drama, heartache, and carrying excess baggage.
Children's.
Is your IQ over 70? Do you like reading big words? Are you even reading this? Because if your answer is "no" to all of the following, you are living in a picture book. Your life is ruled by pictures and colorful, pretty things. You might be dumb as bricks, but you'll always be happy. Most people strive their whole lives to achieve your happiness-- the same sort of happiness most people have when they were 10. Usually people can never re-attain this bliss. Lucky you.
Action/Suspense.
Are you a cop, spy, or CIA agent? Do you spend every minute of you life fighting ninjas or bringing on the pain train? Do you have mastery in various martial arts? Can you kill a man with just your pinky toe? If so, you live in an action/suspense novel. Where ever you go, bodies hit the floor. Behind Chuck Norris' beard is.. another fist! But behind that fist.. is you! When fighting bad guys, try not to make too many things explode. Please, it gets expensive for us tax-payers.
Fantasy.
Do you live in a world with talking animals or guardian spirits? Do you have an amazing gift that can change the universe? Are you carrying a family heirloom with mystical powers? Are devious people always pursuing you because of this? If so, you are living in a fantasy novel. Most likely you are on drugs because I really don't think this could happen in anyone's life. I could be wrong. Regardless, I hope you have decent writing skills so you can write down your tale in a book. In years, your story could be just as famous as Lord of the Rings, The Golden Compass, or The Chronicles of Narnia. Go forth and live your tale!! You, the last King or Queen of a dying bloodline!
Educational Text.
Do you live a very rigid and systematic lifestyle? Do you follow the rules all the time? Does your life revolve around facts, equations, and numbers? Is your daily routine organized and productive? Do you like speaking in concise structured sentences? Do you have little or no humor? If so, you are living in a textbook. That's kind of lame, but you have the most potential in winning a gameshow and becoming a millionaire.
Drama.
Are you the sole survivor of a plague who is trying to forget the past, and move on with your life? Have you recently freed yourself from some sort of oppression? Are you a war survivor who is trying to get used to normal life after suffering enormous hardships and emotional burden? Are you trying to escape poverty or the communist rule of your country? Are you a pianist? Have you ever fallen in love in a time of cholera? If so, you are living in a drama. Write about your life story in a diary. Years after you're gone, your surviving kin will know of your great tale. You will be famous. They will be rich.
After some assessment, I have concluded that I am living in a comedy. Furthermore, I have entitled my life book Monkey Saga. What kind of book do you live in?
- J.
Wednesday, 19 December 2007
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The Passing of a Friend.
Yesterday I lost a very good friend. My best friend. He had been struggling with some serious health issues and I knew this day would eventually come-- yet, I find myself emotionally unprepared. You can never really prepare yourself for these things, and for the duration of his sickness I tried not to think about the endgame too much. And now, here I am. If only I could have done more. Depressed, distressed, and dazed from my dismay, I find myself disoriented and disheartened due to his departure. That’s a shitload of d-words I just used-- all of which I understand. But there is one d-word I’ll never fully grasp.
Death.I’ve known M, my best friend, for the better part of 6 years now. I’ve known him all the way back, since high school. In those days, he had a funny look about him, I had funny hair, and we both had funny mannerisms. Luck just so happened to make him my roommate all throughout college, and we were able to see each other grow up and mature. We used to do everything together. He was my first pick in for all things academia and creativity related, but not in sports. Oh would he be horrible in sports! He couldn’t possibly excel at any physical competition. He had a condition, so he couldn’t do sports, but had he been able to, I would have loved to see him on a snowboard. I’d probably burst into a fit of laughter. Despite his ineptness to physical activity, M had me beat in more important arenas. M was a computer-- a genius. It seemed like he knew the answers to anything and everything. That is, everything except for what could cure him. If I at least had that one answer for him, I could have given him some comfort. We saved the world once-- and if you’ve read my xanga info, then you know that I mean “in a videogame.”
He was always there for me. He was there for me when I had relationship problems. When I needed somewhere to vent, he was there. He was there for me when I was struggling with academics. When I was sick and all my other friends were out partying, he stayed behind to keep me company. Whenever I was bored and everyone else was busy, he’d always make time for me and find things to do. If it wasn’t for M, I probably wouldn’t have been able to get through college. He was there for me every time I needed him-- and not once did he ever ask for anything in return. He was my rock. He kept me in place, and taught me so many things-- about life, about people, and about myself.
I realize now what great a friend he was to me, and now he’s gone. If he were around now, I would give him a hug… awkward as that may look and sound.
M, if you could only read this... I’d want you to know that I miss you. Thank you for everything. You were my teacher, my hero, my friend. My best friend-- who is also an organ-donor. You are so selfless. Even till the end, you’re helping others.
With best regards,- J.
My favorite picture of M and I.
EpropEprop
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- Name: J.
- Gender: Male
- Member Since: 11/5/2007
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About Me
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I consider myself to be a creative person. At the age of 11, I discovered an interest in art and became the first kid to ever perfectly replicate the Mona Lisa.. at 1/10,000,000th scale-- making it about the size of the period at the end of this sentence. I have the amazing ability to pretend like I am listening or concerned, when actually I am just nodding my head, regurgitating what is being said, and saying "mhmm." When I was 17, I saved the world from imminent destruction at the hands of a merciless tyrant-- in a video game, that is. My name is J, and I might be the most interesting person you'll never meet. Well, probably not.
Pulse
EpropEprop has no pulse!...
